Washington—Following backlash from repeated incidents involving the unauthorized use of pop songs as backing tracks to ICE promotional material the White House is reportedly taking steps to create their own supergroup to circumvent the woke music industry. President Trump late last week signed an executive order authorizing the creation of the Federal Boy Band Commission which he tasked with finding “the soundtrack to the revolution.” The move comes after declining ICE recruitment numbers and public condemnations from the likes of Olivia Rodrigo, MGMT, and Sabrina Carpenter.
Appointing himself to head the new commission, President Trump brought to the role his expertise on discovering stars as well as an intimate knowledge of “what girls want.” The first meeting saw Trump present his vision board for the project which included magazine head-shot cutouts of Dean Martin, Joey Bishop, and Jesse Waters surrounded by the words “suave,” “Mar-a-Lago,” and “crypto.”
“The group needs to be something new… something that people have never seen before,” the President began. “It needs to make arresting brown people look sexy.” When the commission pushed back on Trump’s vision and dream members of the band, citing marketing difficulties and issues with life status, the President countered the criticism by stating “Everyone knows that there is nothing a girl wants more than a group of guys who look like her father synchronously singing and dancing to beat music.”
After hours of intense deliberation, and many declined offers from some of the industry’s hottest it-boys, the commission realized that what they were looking for had been under their noses the whole time, electing to stick in house and form a group from talent already available in the cabinet. They chose President Trump, or Donnie T (the lovable one), to lead the group, supported by Vice President JD ‘Break Yo’ Heart’ Vance (the soft one), Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen ‘LadyKiller’ Miller (the funny one), Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent (the hot one), and Secretary of Defense Pete ‘Discrete’ Hegseth (the bad boy).
At time of reporting the quintet has set their debut American tour, “Make America Swoon Again,” to begin early April of next year.
