Trump Pardons Seventh Grader Who Shit In Urinal

Washington—In an unprecedented move late last week, President Donald Trump issued a sweeping pardon to seventh grader Jaden Fassbender following the troubled middle schooler’s suspension from Acacia Junior High for defecating in the short urinal of the second-floor men’s bathroom. This comes as the latest in a series of controversial tests of the presidential pardon power. “The investigation into this innocent American patriot was a hoax,” the Chief Executive shared on Truth Social, adding that “the phrase ‘frosting the cake’ is a con job perpetuated by Democrats.” The pardon, which remitted the suspension, also applied to a litany of additional violations attributed to the pubescent menace, including disruption of a girls’ basketball game after repeatedly yelling “brick” during shot attempts, and wearing a wife-beater to class with the word ‘testicals’ [sic] crudely spray-painted on its back. Despite a shaky legal foundation, Acacia has fully complied with the order. When asked whether its decision was at all influenced by the President’s threats to “unload a shitstorm of litigation the likes of which you have only begun to comprehend,” a spokesperson for the school declined to answer. After learning of the pardon, Fassbender broke his four-day parentally mandated silence on social media with a post to his Instagram story stating, “we so back!” affixed with a custom emoji of a man in a turban squatting in front of a urinal.