Washington—Awaking in a state adjacent to lucidity a punch drunk Pete Hegseth lifted his head off of his desk and spotted the fuzzy yellow square attached to the right side of his monitor. The wrinkled Post-it note had scribbled on it only the letters WWDPD followed by a single squiggle resembling a question mark. “What would drunk Pete do?” the Secretary of War and sixth man in line to succeed the President whispered under his self-sanitizing breath.
Following unprecedented accounts of chaos and infighting at the DoD, several high-ranking sources at the Pentagon are reporting the adoption of a new top-down policy to cope with the complete lack of competence, direction, and leadership: WWDPD?
“If it ain’t drunk, fix it,” one military official stated anonymously. "We don't even know what our department is called anymore, let alone what the fuck it is we are supposed to be doing."
"We're the fucking U.S. military," reported another top official that requested to go unnamed, "I think we'll figure it out. Sure, we may get ourselves into tiffs every now and then,” he said possibly referencing the potential war crimes committed during a recent strike in the Caribbean, “but that’s what the presidential pardon is for.”
When corrected that war crimes are handled by the International Criminal Court and not the President of the United States the official looked down at a sharpie drawn ‘WWDPD?’ on the palm of his hand, turned about, and briskly walked away in the direction of the newly commissioned officer's club.
