Grand Forks, ND—The recent drop in temperature has brought with it renewed efforts from Vice-Principal Shepherd to counteract the pretend drug epidemic that ravages the Viking Elementary schoolyard each winter.
“Sure, it starts with the innocent miming of a cigarette puff,” the emergency substitute if the district can’t find anyone else in time began, “but it’d shock you how quickly those faux darts turn into imaginary joints and make-believe crack pipes.”
Teachers at Viking, as part of their annual report to the School Board, shared a 28% increase in chimerical drug use year-over-year. Most concerning from these statistics was the surge in lines of snow done off the monkey bars — a twofold bump from last cold season — as well as the explosion in popularity of a new dummy dope, known on the woodchips as ‘Double Dutch,’ which users report provides a high akin to chugging four SunnyD’s and then getting spun really fast on the Whirl-a-Round. Intense backlash from the community has forced the School Board to declare a mock public health emergency.
While Vice-Principal Shepherd has reassured families of his ability to effectively address this scourge, confidence in the school administrator has waned in recent weeks. This comes after parents received an email last Friday detailing the trafficking scheme of two industrious fourth graders, Tucker Yarbrough and Hayden Pitts, who, after smuggling grape juice out of the cafeteria, poured the purple drank into styrofoam double cups packed with sleet and bartered the imitation sizzurp for V-Bucks and Clash Royale gems. At least one student had to be rushed to the school nurse for a tummy ache following an overdose on the dirty snow.
At press time, Vice-Principal Shepherd issued an update to the vaccine schedule, recommending an additional Cooties booster to combat the rise in icicle sharing.
