Palm Springs, FL—President Trump heralded the GOP’s highly anticipated healthcare plan during a press conference held at his Mar-a-Lago resort earlier this week. Touted as the solution to the oft-criticized Affordable Care Act this new plan, now no longer just a concept of one, outlined the installation of thousands of Zoltar® fortune telling machines across the continental United States. His remarks on the subject are transmitted in full below:
“Do you remember that film ‘Big’ with Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks what an actor. We don’t agree on a lot but still he’s a great American actor. Loves this country dearly.
Well I told my cabinet to look into those Zoltar® machines because I thought that they could really do a lot of good for this country, and to their credit they came back with a really great plan. I mean this plan could be, no is, the greatest plan for American healthcare that I think has ever been conceived. Yeah I think that’s fair to say.
We’ve been working really hard on this plan for years now. While the lame-stream media was viciously attacking me, and let me tell you they have been relentless, my team was working around-the-clock to solve the Obamacare disaster. And I mean that was a complete disaster that nearly destroyed this country, it really did. But these things take time and we didn’t want to rush it out prematurely.
This has been a long time coming. We need to completely axe this broken system and get the millions insane, demented illegals, that are ripping off the federal government, off of it as soon as possible, because really what they have done to this once great country is disgraceful and I mean utterly disgraceful.
And the great thing is that this is going to solve a lot of other problems too. Employers are going to have thousands, millions of thousands of more workers to employ, and America is going to bring about an economic boom like you have never seen before. Because, and we’ve looked into this, these kids that want to work, and there are a lot that want to work, most actually, can’t because of communist Democrat regulations. But now they can, at least for a time, we still don’t know how long the transformation last for, work the jobs that they have always wanted to.”
When asked by a reporter from The Onion how families could transfer their healthcare plan from Obamacare or sign up for this new plan the president responded “I don’t know anything about that, but they tell me we’re doing really well in the polls. Polls like you wouldn’t believe.” All other questions were referred to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt.
