Jinan, China—Excavations along the Yellow River have yielded a treasure trove of previously unknown sayings by the famed Chinese philosopher Confucius. The discovery, portions of bamboo slips sealed in a decorative ceramic pot, comes as the result of a three-month dig headed by Dr. Xen Tao of Shandong University. “These fragments constitute our earliest written record of Confucius,” Tao asserted. “Incredibly, they appear to unveil a more juvenile — and dare I say sensual — side to ‘Master Kong’ than ever previously understood.” While a comprehensive textual analysis may take years, Tao confirmed that initial insights promised a deeper understanding of the evolution of Confucianism. Rough translations of the precepts are included below.
1. “The juiciest crops come from the back of the garden.”
2. “She who stirs the soup must ensure it boils.”
3. “Clothing is the prison we impose upon ourselves.”
4. “Be not afraid to win the affections of your teacher, for they may be reciprocated.”
5. “The New Moon promises cultivation without repercussions; sow freely.”
6. “Pillow fights with friends are a good way to relieve stress.”
At press time, a water pipe and several erotic Chungongtu drawings were also recovered from the site.
