Las Vegas, NV—Capitalizing on the online gambling craze a new betting platform has sports fans busting with excitement at its promise to bring the action into the bedroom. Bed Spread, a Nevada-based operation, provides the unique opportunity for its users to wager on those intimate moments between the sheets.
“The beauty of Bed Spread,” says CFO Lawrence Kayak, “is that it makes the excitement of the big leagues accessible to anyone. And the best part is that you don’t have to download our app to be tracked.”
Making use of the advanced sensor array built into every modern cellphone the company’s patented data collection technology is able to determine real-time statistics on sexual performance and chemistry of any couple within a 500-foot radius. Bed Spread recently launched user profiles which it synthesized by feeding individuals’ search history and phone usage statistics through a mind-mapping algorithm that it claims can determine arousal levels, state of mind, and using predictive AI even distinct thoughts.
Acknowledgement: Bed Spread is a subsidiary of The Onion’s parent company Global Tetrahedron.
